


What Is With This Man? (He's Unbelievable)

by Ochonnidae



Category: Mo Dao Zu Shi, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: (xue yang & a-qing), JC POV, JGY cheated on both of them with eachother, Jiang Cheng is Grumpy, M/M, Nie Huaisang is nonbinary, Ningyi is subtle, Wei Wuxian is a gremlin, all the wens are alive, and xiyao, because he's that dude, but they make sense, except the evil ones, i also hate chengyao, i ship chengyao, idiots to lovers, jiang cheng cares about his sister, jin guanyao is a toxic boyfriend, they just couldn't make up their mind, they raised a literal child together, we love granny wen, wen qing/mianmian is a ship, will add more tags as necessary, xiao xingchen and song lan have children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27561505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ochonnidae/pseuds/Ochonnidae
Summary: Aight, so, everyone's alive except the evil ones (not counting JGY or XY), they are all stuck in one house together, (no idea why as yet) JC is falling hard for LXC, and LXC knows all. (He's also the absolute sweetest.)
Relationships: Jiang Cheng/Jin Guangyao (past), Jiang Yanli/ Jin Zixuan, Lan SiZhui/Jin Ling, Lan Xichen/Jiang Cheng, Lan Xichen/Jin Guangyao (past), Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji, Wen Ning/Lan Jingyi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. In Which Jiang Cheng Is Sleepy

**Author's Note:**

> What's up, peoples? Half of this fic is prewritten, other half is not.   
> I'm sorry, but updates probably will not be regular. I hope you like it!

Jiang Cheng was in a foul mood. He had been woken up at ####### 2 AM by stifled shrieks of laughter and thumps in the room above. He rolled over, groaning, and pondered whether it would be a better idea to be irresponsible and sleep through the noise, or to actually act like a mature adult and investigate what #### the juniors were up to now. He was just on the point of ignoring the entire thing and trying to go back to sleep, when he had a sudden vision of Jiang Yanli at breakfast the next morning, dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. Her health was still delicate. He couldn’t do this to her. Heaven knows, she rarely got a full night’s sleep anyway, and Jiang Cheng was not going to let his selfishness cause her a relapse. He had to get up.

“It’s ####### _2 AM,_ ” he protested to Zidian, his pet boa constrictor. Zidian was absolutely no help, being soundly and unshakably asleep. Jiang Cheng swore he was being difficult on purpose.

He hauled himself out of bed and into an old purple bathrobe, grumbled his way up the stairs, and groused along the passage toward Jingyi’s room. Thumping music was playing somewhere, and he was almost certain the rest of the household (excluding the Lans, his one sane family member, and her husband) was down in Nie Huaisang’s rooms, imbibing far too much alcohol and making bad life decisions. He turned around and scowled down the stairs in what he assumed was Wei Wuxian’s general direction.

“#### you, gremlin,” he muttered, and then yelped (although he would never admit it) when a hand can down suddenly on his shoulder. Whirling round, he found Song Lan behind him; his husband Xiao Xingchen blinking sleepily at his elbow. The former looked just as annoyed as he felt; the latter like a cinnamon roll with a bad case of bedhead.

“You guys too, huh?” Jiang Cheng sighed heavily. “Why are we the only rational people in this entire ####### house?”

“I’m sure I don’t know. We came because we think A-Qing and Xue Yang snuck off to visit the rest of the juniors, but after what happened with the knife last week, we’ve grounded them both until next month.” Song Lan looked over at his husband. “Would’ve been longer too, if I’d had any say, but Xingchen let them off easy.”

Xiao Xingchen wrung his hands, looking up apologetically at the man in front of him. “Sometimes I’m really afraid you’re too hard on them, Zichen!” 

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “You guys can argue about parenting techniques later. We need to crash a party. Come on!” He led the procession quietly along the hall.

He didn’t know Song Lan or Xiao Xingchen like he did the others, just well enough to recognize them if he met them on the street, but he already felt a certain kinship with Song Lan. The other man acted like someone who got things done, a quality Jiang Cheng had always admired. He didn’t think much of his choice of husband, though: Xiao Xingchen seemed about as effective as Nie Huaisang, and saying Nie Huaisang was a dishrag was an understatement. Xiao Xingchen looked nice enough, yes, but a completely impractical nuisance during a crisis. Overly emotional.

In the meantime, while he was internally roasting his newest acquaintances’ choices in soulmates, the three of them had reached Jingyi’s room. Apparently, the little #### had invited the entire younger generation and they were all competing to see who could impersonate Lan Qiren best.

Just as Jiang Cheng opened the door, he heard Lan Jingyi clear his throat, and, with a surprisingly convincing accent, proceed to thoroughly condemn his adoptive uncle Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s entire relationship. It was such a good impression that Jiang Cheng was tempted for an instant to wait and see how Jingyi would finish it out, but Song Lan, who had never met Lan Qiren and had no interest in the current performance, pushed past him through the door.

Jingyi stopped short in the middle of stroking his imaginary beard, and instant silence prevailed.

Then: “Where the #### did Xue Yang go? He was supposed to be keeping watch!”

“Language, A-Qing!” said Xiao Xingchen sternly. Jiang Cheng was surprised. Apparently, despite being blind and of unimpressive physique, his neighbor could still make his adopted daughter shut up and look ashamed of herself with merely two words. _Note to self,_ thought Jiang Cheng _, don’t get on Xiao Xingchen’s bad side._

Jin Ling immediately jumped up from his place on the floor near Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen in the far corner of the room. “Uncle Jiang! Hi! Ummm…What are you doing up so late?” He looked terrified.

Jiang Cheng scowled. “Wondering what you’re doing up so late.” He pointed dramatically at the door. “Go to bed before I break your legs!”

“FINE,” said Jin Ling, rolling his eyes and stomping past him into the hallway. “Way to be an #######!”

“Did you just _sass_ me, sir? Watch your language and be glad your father didn’t hear you! He’d make you wash your mouth out with soap if he knew you said that!”

“Well, he doesn’t and you’re a ####### jerk and I’m going to bed, SO THERE.” Jin Ling stuck his tongue out at Jiang Cheng and ran off down the hall to his own room.

His uncle huffed a sigh. He needed to speak to Jin Ling’s parents about that boy.

His thoughts were interrupted, however, when Xue Yang came sauntering past him into the room. “Hel- _lo_ , my dads, fancy meeting you here!” He drawled over his shoulder at his parents. “What’s the big fuss? Did A-Qing actually think that sticking me outside on watch duty was going to keep me out of trouble? Clearly,” he said, winking at his sister, “Trouble finds me.”

“####### jerk,” muttered A-Qing. “What have you done now?”

Xue Yang grinned. “Wouldn’t you like to know!”

“#####. Don’t you trust your own ####### sister?”

“Of course not! Why—’’

“That’s enough, kids. Back to bed. A-Chen and I will talk tonight and tell you your punishment tomorrow morning.” Song Lan was beginning to look fatigued, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Go on, scram.”

A-Qing and Xue Yang obediently (more or less) scrammed. Somehow, Xue Yang managed to make his sudden exit look both completely voluntary and very smug.

By the time Jiang Cheng had sorted out the rest of the juniors, sent Jingyi off to be dealt with by Lan Xichen, and scolded Ouyang Zizhen into a state of semi-permanent trauma, his vision was blurring and he was beginning to feel an overwhelming urge to keel over on Jingyi’s floor and let himself become dead to the world until 3 o’clock that afternoon. He didn’t even have enough energy left to set out in search of the whereabouts of Lan Sizhui, who all the juniors swore was there, but nobody seemed to know quite when he left.

He stumbled back down the stairs to his room at approximately 4:45 in the morning, and collapsed into his bed. Zidian welcomed him back with a gentle hiss before settling back down into a deep slumber.

Unfortunately, despite his fatigue, his brain was not in the mood to go back to sleep again for a long time, and he was just beginning to settle back into an uncomfortable doze, when his bedroom door flew open with a loud bang, and his gremlin brother bounced in, looking less than stone cold sober and being unreasonably loud.

“ _Why_ weren’t you at Nie Huaisang’s party??” he wailed, flopping down uninvited all the way across Jiang Cheng’s bed.

“ _Maybe_ because I’m not an idiot!” Jiang Cheng scowled. “And get the #### off my bed. Who said you could come in anyway?”

“MEEEEE!!” said Wei Wuxian, and then collapsed on his brother in a fit of hysterical giggles. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. His brother was yelling with ####### _double punctuation._ He could _hear it._

“Oh, go die in a fire, you #######!”

“But you love me anyway!”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Jiang Cheng pulled his intoxicated brother to his feet and shoved him bodily out the door. “I’m sleepy, you’re sleepy, you’re really drunk, and I am not dealing with your #### right now, so ####### go to bed!”

Wei Wuxian grabbed the sides of the doorframe with both hands and looked upside down at Jiang Cheng. “A-Cheng! I’m going to set you up with Lan Xichen at the next party!”

“If you do any such thing I will ####### murder you myself!”

“No, you won’t!” said Wei Wuxian, and wandered tipsily off down the hall in the direction of his own room.

After he made sure his idiot brother wasn’t coming back, Jiang Cheng flopped back down on his bed and sighed. His therapist had told him to stay positive. _POSITIVE._

He rolled his eyes at Zidian. Easy for her to say when she hasn’t been dumped by a lesbian, cheated on by his piece of #### brother in law, and then made to suffer through the toothrottingly saccharine PDA’s of both his siblings and their respective husbands, which just serve to remind him that he is lonely.

Yanli is perfect and deserves the world.

Wei Wuxian is a little ####.

At breakfast, everyone was hungover. Literally everyone. Except the Lans, of course. Apparently Lans never get hungover. They’re too perfect or whatnot. Or they just never drink. Jiang Cheng had heard that their alcohol tolerance was exceedingly low.

All the other occupants of the house were yelling at each other for being too loud, and getting told to shut the #### up in their turn. The Lans’ corner was the only quiet one, because Lans do not speak while at table, but even that relative peace was shattered by Wei Wuxian. He was apparently suffering a massive hangover, and all he did was hang onto Lan Wangji’s arm and whine about his spectacular headache. His husband looked slightly discomfited by the wailing in his ear, but he leaned into his distraught other half anyway.

Xue Yang didn’t turn up at all, and Jiang Cheng had a sneaking suspicion that the legal adults had not been the only ones drinking last night. Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen had also forgone breakfast, probably to deal with their reprehensible son.

Lan Xichen was also at the breakfast table. He had always been rather a conundrum to Jiang Cheng. The man was used to sorting people into one of four categories: Good, Bad, Unimportant, or Wei Wuxian. Lan Xichen certainly was not Wei Wuxian, (thank goodness and the possible smidgen of luck that belonged to Jiang Cheng, he didn’t think he could survive with two gremlins, he could already barely cope with one) but he was definitely not Unimportant. He wasn’t Bad, not really, but he couldn’t be classified as entirely Good, because Jin Guangyao had cheated on Jiang Cheng with him. Lan Xichen had been as entirely oblivious of Jin Guangyao’s connection to Jiang Cheng as Jiang Cheng had been about Lan Xichen and A-Yao, so it wasn’t really his fault, but it still hurt.

At any rate, it was impossible to categorize Lan Xichen neatly, and trying was giving Jiang Cheng a headache. Perhaps it was that, combined with his lack of sleep the night before, that made him think suddenly, scrutinizing the other man, _He’s actually kind of…gorgeous._

_Wait, what?_

_WHAT THE ####?_

Jiang Cheng, to preserve his dignity to himself, immediately attributed that wayward thought to the possible beginnings of a migraine behind his temples.

Because that was obviously the only logical explanation.

However, when Lan Xichen looked up at him and smiled inquiringly, and Jiang Cheng realized he had been staring, he could really find no acceptable answer for the red in his cheeks as he jerked his gaze quickly back down to the food on his plate.

He must be ill. Maybe after breakfast he would take a walk to clear his head.

Take a walk he did, but any enjoyment of solitude or clearing of the mind was spoiled when he caught Mo Xuanyu throwing up into the lavender bushes behind the storage shed.

“Sick, are we? You morons shouldn’t drink so much.”

“Oh, #### off!” That was the strongest language Jiang Cheng had ever heard from him. He usually resorted to expletives like “tiddlywinks” or “oh, KITTENS”. Mo Xuanyu was evidently in no mood to be rebuked about his life decisions. Being a vaguely intelligent human being, Jiang Cheng decided Mo Xuanyu’s death glare might actually mean something, and left to find his nephew. He would get no peace outside right now.

Upon inquiry, Jin Zixuan told him Jin Ling was in bed with a headache, groaning about how much he wanted to die. _Did all the ######## juniors drink last night?_

Jiang Cheng mentally resolved to tell Jin Ling off for that when he reappeared in society. He knew he had done exactly the same thing when he was Jin Ling’s age, but it was his duty as an uncle to attempt to discourage his nephew from following his path.

He decided to head to the library, hoping to find it deserted this early in the morning. He could sit down and have a quiet hour away from gremlin brothers, hungover nephews, and the general chaos of have almost all of one’s friends and relations visiting at the same time. The first in itself was enough to make Jiang Cheng’s head spin; he couldn’t deal with both it and all the rest for extended periods of time.

Unfortunately, because Jiang Cheng must have been born under an unlucky star, he thumped through the library’s double doors only to find the gremlin comfortably settled into a chair, looking completely at home. The little #### was doing his chemistry assignment with a mug of Emperor’s Smile in his hand, sipping it as if it was coffee. Apparently, he had recovered from his hangover already.

_His liver’s going to shrivel up and die before his 25 th birthday, _thought Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian set his cup down slowly. “Jiang Cheng! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Oh, don’t mind me, I was just leaving.” Jiang Cheng heaved a sigh, turning around. He would get no peace in the library, either.

“Wait! What’s the maximum velocity of a Brazilian sparrow in flight?”

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “How the #### should I know? You have a phone, idiot! Use it.”

Wei Wuxian pouted. “Lan Zhan took it away. Said I needed to finish my chemistry before I could have it back. Honestly, I love him so much, but he needn’t have resorted to such drastic measures. I still have 31 hours left before it’s due!”

“I’ve never seen this assignment before.” Jiang Cheng looked hard at his brother. The latter looked away. “…This is the first time you’ve worked on it.”

Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes in his turn. “For heaven’s sakes it’s _fine_ , I have everything under control.”

“Less than two days.” Jiang Cheng sighed. “I give up. Do what you want; it’s your ###, not mine.”

He flounced out of the library. What to do now? The library was occupied, his room felt somewhat antisocial with him having spent so much time in it recently, and most of the household were still getting over massive hangovers. Maybe he would just go outside take some exercise for once in his rather inactive life. He trudged over to the stairs.

In the landing he almost tripped over Nie Huaisang, who was sitting on the top step of the staircase, wailing over one of the greenest canaries he had ever seen.

Jiang Cheng stared. “Didn’t that used to be…yellow?”

Nie Huaisang sniffed wetly. “When I came to feed Delilah this morning, she was green! GREEN!” they sobbed a little into the canary, who was looking wet, disgruntled, and like it would very much like to be somewhere else right now. Jiang Cheng could relate.

“Who did it, do you think?”

Nie Huaisang scowled. “Xue Yang.”

Jiang Cheng was a little taken aback. “…Are you sure?” On second thought, it did seem like something the probable future felon would do.

“Yes.” Nie Huaisang did not elaborate, and Jiang Cheng was a little scared to push them farther. He cleared his throat.

“I’ll just…be on my way then…”

Nie Huaisang looked at him quizzically. “Do you think turpentine might take the dye out?”

“Animal cruelty, Huaisang.” Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes.

“Oh. Right. Of course.”

Thumping down the stairs, Jiang Cheng pondered Nie Huaisang’s entire existence in his house. Nobody had ever actually gotten a straight story about where they came from in the first place. Jiang Cheng certainly didn’t know, and he wasn’t even quite sure if Huaisang themself did. They always turned up in someone else’s friend group until they just started blending into the general company. They were never the first one to show up or the last one to leave. You saw them sometime in the middle, exchanged meaningless pleasantries, and then went your separate ways, with the mutual understanding that neither of you remember what, if anything, you talked about.

Jiang Cheng had heard from someone, (maybe from Nie Huaisang themself, he’ll never know) that Huaisang had a brother at one point.

_What was his name again?_ It started an ‘M’, he was pretty sure. He had been in the news a while ago; maybe something about the Jins had been involved.

_M, M, M…_

Nie Mingjue.

_Oh, right, him._ How could he have forgotten? The infamous policeman, defender of the weak, protector of truth and some such ######## the media keeps spouting. The one who became famous with Lan Xichen and the snake after the three of them took down a mafia boss.

Protector of truth! Never mind family resemblance, how did Huaisang and Mingjue both make it (seemingly) unscathed to adulthood? Nie Huaisang was one of the vaguest, most ambiguous people Jiang Cheng had ever met.

Apparently, Nie Mingjue died of a heart attack on the steps of the Jin Mansion. The newspapers said he had gone slightly bonkers, _And honestly_ , thought Jiang Cheng _, if I were related to Huaisang, and had been grilling them about where they spent the last two weeks for ten hours with only the vague reply “Oh, around. I was all muddy when I got back,” as my only answer, I would have gone ####### crazy too._

Opening one of the front doors, he blinked against the sudden explosion of light that burst upon his reclusive brain. _#### the sun. Why couldn’t it have been cloudy? I’ll have so much_ fun _this afternoon._

He strolled rather dejectedly through the yard, contemplating his possible after-lunch activities. His day seemed unexpectedly barren.

He also wisely decided to ignore the sight of Jin Ling pulling Sizhui behind the storage shed. He didn’t know; didn’t want to know what they were doing.

_Precocious infants._

The house was slightly more active when he went in to lunch. He tripped over Xue Yang on the front porch teaching A-Qing how to flip a knife over her finger.

“Y’see, you need to get the trajectory right, just throwing it out wildly doesn’t do any good. Of course,” Xue Yang grinned slyly, “If you want to be unpredictable you can always try that. Just a suggestion. My life is far too boring.”

A-Qing punched him in the shoulder. “Here, let me try this…”

Jiang Cheng shook his head. He should speak to those children’s parents. They were beginning to get entirely out of hand again.

At lunch, at least, everyone had apparently recovered from their collective hangover, and the conversation lacked not spice. The ####### gremlin and his husband (actually just Wei Wuxian) had to be swiftly shut up multiple times because of the wildly inappropriate innuendos uttered in front of the children. Honestly, living in the same house with Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure they had enough innocence left to be worth protecting.

Wen Qing flirted with her Mianmian across the table, completely ignoring that peacock Jin Zixuan’s obvious discomfort. What with the flamboyant lesbians on one side and Shijie telling him gently but firmly not to be homophobic on the other, the poor man didn’t know where to look. 

Jin Zixuan was a peacock, but Jiang Cheng felt for him sometimes. He hadn’t meant to marry into the Jiang/Lan family of gays.

_Because, honestly, we all are,_ thought Jiang Cheng ruefully. _Or at least, none of us are strictly heterosexual. I’m bi, and he even married a panromantic. I guess,_ he contemplated; _he must have really loved my sister to be able to overcome his inherent homophobia for her._

The idea made him laugh a little. He could almost see Jin Zixuan pacing about in his room, deeply torn between his feelings for his future wife, and the horrifying knowledge that he would have to deal with her gay relations for the rest of his life. It was in character for the peacock.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I'm back! The plot begins to move forward! JC has heart attacks! LXC has (calm) heart attacks! Because JC is so cute!  
> Have I mentioned that I love punctuation yet?  
> Beware Guangyalgae!  
> no i will not explain myself thats your problem

**Chapter 2**

**Of Lotuses and Lan Xichen**

Lunch was over, it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon, the day was growing no younger, and Jiang Cheng had lotus plants to tend.

He had doted upon those lotuses ever since he had coaxed them into life from seed. They were for his sister, and when they grew strong enough to transport, he was going to send them back with her to the Jin Mansion. They had no lotuses there, only their signature flowers, the gaudy Sparks Amidst Snow peonies.

On her last visit home, Jiang Yanli had mentioned wistfully how much she missed her favorite flower, and Jiang Cheng had secretly resolved that he would grow some for her to take back and plant in her koi pond. He had not expected it to be much fun, a labor of love in the truest sense of the phrase, but he was surprised by how relaxing gardening really was.

It was soothing, somehow, to tie his hair back, sink up to his elbows in mud and water, and see the result of labor that had made immediate and visible improvement. For a few short hours he could set aside his competing roles as head of the family, chief avuncular figure to Jin Ling, and supporting cast character in the drama of everyone else’s lives. He could just be Jiang Cheng, a man tending lotus flowers for his sister simply because he _wanted to do something nice for her._

Today his job was clearing out the long, stringy waterweed and invasive algae that had begun to take over the small pond. He had never liked clearing algae. He had thought the dripping, slimy stuff that stuck to his hands disgusting to begin with, but now, worse, it reminded him of Jin Guangyao.

“#### him,” muttered Jiang Cheng belligerently, and proceeded to take out all of his pent-up anger and rage on the pondweed, viciously slashing it away with his knife. He made a lot of splashing, and water got everywhere, all over his clothes and face, beading in his hair.

“My goodness,” said a mild voice behind him, and Jiang Cheng immediately stopped flailing his knife around wildly, and scrambled around to face the figure that had spoken, attempting to blink the water out of his eyes. His tool fell unheeded into the pond.

“What did that waterweed ever do to you?” asked Lan Xichen, looking a little bemused.

Jiang Cheng was at a loss for words. He stared up at Lan Xichen, knowing exactly how much he must look like a goldfish and hating it. He knew how much of a mess he presented right now. Especially now that he was somehow hyperaware of how strangely beautiful and impeccably dressed his companion was, in a crisp white button down and light blue slacks, his hair secured neatly in a long black ponytail falling silkily down his back. He looked as if he could walk right into an office building and start work.

And that was compared to Jiang Cheng, whose long, messy hair had been roughly tied back into a something that may have started out as a bun with a piece of twine, and was dressed in an old, faded purple T-shirt, skinny, accidentally ripped up denim jeans, and galoshes. Of all footwear. _Galoshes._

Finally, he mustered powers of coherent speech: “I—I was cleaning out my lotus pond.”

Lan Xichen huffed out a short breath that might have been a laugh. “That is self-evident.” Then he paused, looking thoughtful. “Hmmm. I never placed you as the gardening type.”

“So I garden. Do you have a ####### problem with that?” growled Jiang Cheng.

Lan Xichen raised his hands. “Wow, calm down. No, of course I don’t. I was just surprised, because I hadn’t thought you had enough patience to spend much time around plants.”

Jiang Cheng chose, with effort, to ignore this unintended insinuation that he was impatient. “I’d never tried before. The lotuses are for Yanli,” he said. “Because she said she missed them.”

“That’s actually really sweet of you.”

“It’s none of your #### business.” Jiang Cheng scowled. “And I’m not ####### _sweet_.”

Lan Xichen chuckled. “Okay, tiger.”

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes, but for some reason, he didn’t feel terribly offended at this knock to his dignity. “So, Lan Xichen, do you garden?”

“Oh. Um, yes, actually.” Lan Xichen floundered a little at the abrupt change of subject.

“Really?” Jiang Cheng looked up with slightly more interest. “I didn’t think one of the Twin Jades of the Lan Family would suffer dirt on his hands.”

“It would seem that we both surprise one another.” smiled Lan Xichen. “I keep a shade garden.”

“Mmm.” Jiang Cheng’s mind was elsewhere at the moment, for, having searched the ground at his feet vainly for a few minutes, he remembered that he had dropped his knife in the pond.

_#### my life._

He knelt on the edge of the pond and stared into its murky depths as if he was trying to vaporize the entire thing merely using the force of his glare.

Lan Xichen peered over his shoulder curiously. “What are you doing? You’ll get your sleeves wet if you’re not careful.”

“I’m being careful, idiot. When you came up behind me like that earlier, you startled me so much you made me drop my only knife in the ###### pond.”

Lan Xichen dropped to his knees and began to roll up the sleeves of his button-down shirt.

“Hey, wait, what do you think you’re doing?” asked Jiang Cheng incredulously, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.

“I’m helping you look. It’s really my fault that you dropped it, anyway, I didn’t mean to startle you. Move over.”

“But—but you’re wearing _white_! You’ll get filthy!”

“Why do you think I rolled my sleeves up, dummy?” Lan Xichen elbowed him playfully. “Come on, move over.”

Jiang Cheng gave way, retreating so that they could both see the bottom of the pond with relative ease.

After a few minutes of fruitless searching, Jiang Cheng suddenly yelped “There! I think I found it!”

“Huh? Where?” Lan Xichen craned his neck.

“Way out; I don’t think I can reach it from here, #### it all!”

Lan Xichen pushed him gently to one side. “I have a longer reach than you do; let me try. Where is it? I can’t see anything from my angle.”

Jiang Cheng pointed. “Way out there near the middle. You can see it glinting if the light hits it right.”

“Where?” Lan Xichen squinted. “Oh there! I see it now. That is far out.” He looked calculatingly at the pond, himself, and Jiang Cheng. “I think—” he hesitated. “I think I could reach it if you held onto my arm so that I don’t fall in when I lean out over the pond. If you would.”

“…Sure.” _He’s just an abnormally pretty person. How hard can this actually be?_

Way harder than planned, apparently. Jiang Cheng gingerly took hold of one of Lan Xichen’s arms. It felt like he was doing something forbidden by the higher powers, allowing his wreck of a self anywhere near the concentrated flawlessness called Lan Xichen. He had even rolled up his sleeves evenly.

Jiang Cheng had to forcibly stop himself for apologizing for his existence. 

“Okay, don’t let go, A-Cheng!” Lan Xichen leaned out over the lotus pond, grasping a long stick to pull the lost knife into the shallows.

Jiang Cheng staggered. Even more than the unexpected familiarity of the way Lan Xichen had said his name, which turned his face red for no reason he would ever admit to, was the fact that, although tall, Lan Xichen was unexpectedly light, and now the smaller man was trying frantically to accommodate.

“Ah, I can’t reach it! Drat it all.” Lan Xichen stepped back. “I just need maybe six more inches. A-Cheng, do you think you could leave both my arms free next time and grab me round the middle? I might get a little more length that way.”

“…Okay…?” Jiang Cheng’s expression remained one of outer composure, but inside he was screaming in desperation _. NO! Please no! No more physical contact than absolutely necessary!_

He took a steadying breath. _I’m going to die_ , he thought calmly.

“Right, can we try again?” Lan Xichen looked over at him expectantly. Jiang Cheng shook himself out of his despondent thoughts, and walked with a sense of resignation back over to the edge of the lotus pond.

“Ready,” he said, and took hold of Lan Xichen around the waist.

Lan Xichen strained. “Almost. Can you give me one more inch?”

“Easy…for you…to…say,” grunted Jiang Cheng. He was almost certain he was hyperventilating. That must be the reason why he felt light-headed. He stepped forward to try to give Lan Xichen a little bit more reach.

Stepped forward right onto a large clump of the beached Guangyalgae.

His feet flew out from under him, he yelped, Lan Xichen gasped, and all fell headlong into the lotus pond with a loud splash.

Jiang Cheng came up first. Spluttering, spitting out mouthfuls of green pond water, he shook his head like a dog.

Lan Xichen surfaced a moment later next to him, still smiling. “I have your knife,” he said triumphantly, holding the blade out to him.

“Thanks,” was all Jiang Cheng could manage. Lan Xichen somehow managed to look collected even waist deep in a scummy green pond. Beads of water had gathered in his hair, sparkling in the sun, and dripped off his chin. His white shirt stuck to him, sending rivulets of water down his arms. Even soaking wet, the First Jade of Lan still looked drop-dead gorgeous.

Soaking wet.

_Oh,_ ####. Jiang Cheng suddenly remembered where they were, how they had gotten there, and that he had been staring for way too long.

“I—oh, _####_ , I’m sorry,” he stammered out grabbing the still-proffered knife. “My foot slipped on the ####### Guangyalgae, ####, I bet that ruined your shirt too—I’m so ####### _sorry—_ ” Lan Xichen cut him off.

“It’s all right, I have other shirts. Anyway, this one might wash. It’s worth a try.” He began to slosh to the edge of the pond, but paused at the back, looking back at Jiang Cheng with an odd smile. “What’s Guangyalgae?”

“Oh, ####.” Jiang turned red. “It’s what I call those nasty, slimy algae you saw me fishing out of the pond earlier. I call it “Guangyalgae” because it reminds me of…of…”

“A-Yao.” Lan Xichen covered his mouth, as if he was a little ashamed of his laughter, but he chuckled anyway. “That’s actually rather accurate.”

“Why do you still call him that?” Jiang Cheng scowled. “He was a ####### ####### to both of us! He doesn’t deserve that level of familiarity from you.”

Lan Xichen shrugged. “Old habits die hard, I suppose.”

“What -#######- _ever_ ,” spat Jiang Cheng. “I’m just trying to erase him from my memory.” He watched Lan Xichen wring the excess water out of his shirt, and a sudden impulse struck him. “Lan Xichen.”

Why was he so invested in this?

Lan Xichen looked up. “Yes?”

“Do…do you think maybe…as, like, an apology or something, I could, like, maybe… I don’t know; treat you to dinner or something. Whenever you’re free. If you want to, I mean, I…sorry, that was really awkward.” Jiang Cheng mentally facepalmed.

Lan Xichen, however, rewarded his embarrassed invitation with a blinding smile. “I’d love to! I’m free any time after 5 PM this week, if that would work for you.”

“I…okay then. How about tomorrow?” Jiang Cheng stammered.

“Sure! Thank you so much for the invitation, A-Cheng.”

“See…see you at, like, 5:30, then?”

“5:30.”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng began to turn back toward the house and clean clothes, but stopped a few steps away, remembering something. He turned half around. “Bye, Xichen.”

“Goodbye, A-Cheng.” Lan Xichen smiled at him. That smile had to be illegal.

Jiang Cheng walked the rest of the way back to the house in a sort of daze. _####,_ he thought. _I think I just fell in love._ Then, _Oh, ####._

_How am I going to function through tomorrow morning?_

______________________________________________________________________________

“So, will you do it?” Jiang Cheng glanced up at his brother doubtfully. Zidian hissed gently from his shoulder; the snake always enjoyed sitting twined around Jiang Cheng’s neck when he was out of his cage.

“You want me to ask Lan Zhan to ask Lan Xichen what he likes to eat because none of my business?” Wei Wuxian raised one eyebrow at him.

“Well, it isn’t!” said Jiang Cheng defensively.

“…Uh huh.”

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “Oh, stop giving me that look. Will you do it?”

Wei Wuxian pretended to consider excruciatingly slowly. “Yes…I’m certain there’s stuff you’re not telling me, but maybe I can find that out on my own time.” He smiled sweetly at Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Cheng shivered. That smile always creeped him out a bit.

“Thanks, can you tell me before tomorrow?”

“The plot thickens!” said Wei Wuxian ominously. “Sure, best bro, give me three hours.”

“…You’re an idiot.”

“But you love me!”

“Don’t remind me of that mistake.”

“Hey!”

Jiang Cheng sighed. “Oh, go do your…stuff. Whatever you do.”

Wei Wuxian bounced up off his bed. “All right, I’m off to beseech my perfect Lan Zhan to take pity on your sorry ### and fulfill your request. Tootles, I’m out!”

“#### off.” Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and went back to cleaning out Zidian’s habitat. Because that was totally the subject of his entire focus. Totally. Not the fact that Lan Xichen was really unbelievably pretty and how is it possible for such a beautiful, kind, helpful person to still exist after twenty-odd years in this fallen human world? That wasn’t it at all.

“Mean!” Wei Wuxian swung carelessly around Jiang Cheng’s doorpost and narrowly avoided a probably painful collision involving his nose and the wall on the other side.

He blinked. “That was close. Bye darling!”

Jiang Cheng shut the door in his face.

Lan Wangji was vaguely confused. He had been instructed by his husband to go to his brother, ask him what his favorite foods were, and then report his answers back to Wei Ying.

He had also been commanded, under threat of many dreadful things he knew Wei Ying would follow through on, not to reveal the source of his request.

There must be some reason. Lan Wangji rarely questioned his husband’s appeals, but this was getting a bit out there, even for him.

He was fairly sure Lan Xichen’s replies would be much the same as his own choices: vegetarian, non-spicy, simple. They had been raised on much the same foods; disconcertingly similar to the stuff he fed Wei Ying’s and his rabbits, Suibian and Bichen.

Oh, well.

He knocked lightly on his brother’s door. “Xichen. May I come in?”

“Is that Wangji? Sure! What is it?” Lan Xichen appeared in the doorway looking slightly sleepy.

“Um.” Lan Wangji didn’t quite know how to bring the required subject up. He stood in uncomfortable silence until Lan Xichen shifted a little, leaning against the doorpost in slight impatience. “Did you need something?”

Lan Wangji decided to just go ahead and take the plunge. “Xichen, what do you like to eat?”

Lan Xichen blinked. “Where did this come from?”

“I was…um…just wondering.”

Lan Xichen looked a little puzzled. “Why do you ask—” he broke off suddenly, chuckling like he’d just figured out something highly amusing. “ _Oh._ Okay, now I get it. Let’s see…I like salads…I’m pretty sure you already knew that. I can take a little spice, but not much…”

Lan Wangji shifted uncomfortably, wondering how much his brother knew.

“Anyway, now you know. Is that enough information to take back to your superior?” Lan Xichen smiled at him.

Lan Wangji started, ears turning red. Lan Xichen had always been able to see through him, never mind the fact that he had never been a good actor. The only face he was ever able to hold was a deadpan. “Yes…thank you. Goodbye, brother. Apologies for disturbing you.”

“Oh, that’s fine. See you later, Wangji.” Lan Xichen closed the door and laughed behind it. How was Jiang Cheng so lovably obtuse? He couldn’t actually think that getting his brother’s husband to ask him would make the object of his queries any less obvious. This was actually really cute.

_Well, see you tomorrow, A-Cheng._

Out in the hallway his thoroughly flustered brother made good his escape.

______________________________________________________________________________

Jiang Cheng couldn’t look at Lan Xichen at breakfast the next morning without feeling his face beginning to burn. The other man smiled at him benevolently across the table, but, keeping a death grip on his dignity, Jiang Cheng stared resolutely at his plate.

The morning passed excruciatingly slowly. Wei Wuxian was holed up in his stronghold of the library, frantically trying to finish his college assignment in the remaining three hours before its deadline, and his husband was occasionally to be seen walking to and fro between the library door and the kitchen exchanging empty coffee mugs for full ones.

Jiang Cheng looked upon this and rolled his eyes.

He gravitated nervously between his lotus pond and his bedroom, not being able to settle down or do any perceptible amount of work on anything. He took Zidian out to exercise him, but ended up fiddling with him so absentmindedly that it was only a warning hiss from his long-suffering pet that made him look down at his hands in time to realize that he had almost tied the poor snake in a knot.

Realizing he was not entirely safe around animals at that moment, he put Zidian back in his habitat and flopped out across his bed absolutely bored and sick of it.

He decided to forgo lunch altogether, because he was perfectly certain that he would drop his fork, or choke, or some other embarrassing ####.

Better to be safe than sorry.

This was going to be a long afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Second chapter is out!  
> Now, brain, give me some inspiration.  
> Don't worry, I've got a couple more prewritten chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! The first chapter's out!  
> (now i absolutely HAVE to finish this fic)


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